Well, it only makes sense that after covering the first film I’d cover the sequel too. Much like the first movie, it’s been quite a while since I’ve last seen this one. Something I want to point out: even kid me wasn’t a fan of this movie. That doesn’t bode well, because kid me liked all movies. You may remember me saying How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) was my favorite holiday film when I was younger, so that explains a lot. 

One of the reasons this film stands out to me today is due to a certain infamous effect near the end, but even taking that out of the picture it’s still a watered down, painfully rushed, and more disjointed version of the first one. Which, if you read my review of that movie, is saying something. It’s obvious that they were trying to cash in on the burgeoning franchise that stood before them after the success of the first, so you can bet we’re in for a great time. 

Despite my reluctance in covering this movie, it might still surprise me with a fun/good moment here or there. I can hope. With that said, strap that ancient bracelet onto your child and let’s head back to the pyramids in The Mummy Returns. 

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Where do I start with this film? No really, I’m asking. Even the movie doesn’t know, because it opens at least 3 if not 4 different ways. First we get some sloppy exposition about the Scorpion King (played by The Rock in his first role), then we see O’Connell and Evelyn (played again by Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz) in a tomb, the antagonists whose names I forgot pop up, and suddenly we’re back in London with the film’s power couple and their son (played by Freddie Boath in his first role). 

Seriously, any of these intros could’ve worked on their own. There already isn’t much to go off of considering the last film’s ending, but each of these openings (while not perfect) have promise. Only in isolation, though. Together, I have no idea what it’s trying to be. 

By the time we get to the end of the fourth intro, not much has happened. Instead, a lot has been talked about. That’s easily the biggest problem with this movie: it’s relentless in the amount of shit it throws at you, yet it never results in good payoffs.

Less talking and more doing, please! Stephen Sommers has proven that his strong suit is throwing crazy shit on screen so can we have some of that? 

Legit, there’s so much exposition in the first 25 minutes of this movie that it gave me whiplash. Not only here, but there’s a frack-ton more crap that gets thrown in throughout the rest of the movie. 

Apparently Evelyn is the reincarnation of the Pharaoh Seti I’s daughter, Nefertiri. Nefertiri was a skilled martial artist and this translates into Evelyn inheriting said skills. Funny, those same skills didn’t appear in the last movie (and rarely in this one), so why even make it a thing? 

Then, this random-ass woman shows up to be the vessel for Imhotep’s lover, Anck Su Namun (both played by Patricia Velasquez [who also played Anck Su Namun in the first one]). Why? This woman is supposed to be a reincarnation as well, but then why didn’t she appear in the first movie? Where the hell was she?! Why did she not bother to help Imhotep (played again by Arnold Vosloo) in the last film and show up out of nowhere for this one? 

Also, what is she getting out of this? Her body is going to be used as a shell for a 3,000 year old dead woman, so why would she just go along with it? I don’t know about you, but if I was her, I’d probably be on O’Connell’s side. 

One character I didn’t mention in the last review was Ardeth Bay (played by Oded Fehr), and the reason I didn’t mention him is because you could cut him out of the film and miss nothing. He shows up again here because his clan, the Medjai, are terrible at their jobs. They’re supposed to stop Imhotep from being resurrected, but if they did their job right we wouldn’t have two movies at this point. 

The reason I bring him up now is because, based on O’Connell’s tattoo that was mentioned earlier, he’s supposed to be a Medjai as well. It adds nothing to the characters or story and never comes back in later, so you can just call it filler. Also, you may notice if you rewatch the first movie that the tattoo is nowhere to be found on his right arm throughout the whole film. Dumb. 

Also, this is a small detail, but where did this cult of Imhotep come from? 

I’m not saying the Americans in the first film were well developed, but they at least had a clear motivation: they wanted to go to Hamunaptra to plunder it. Done. Easy. But this cult…what do they actually want? They raise Imhotep from the dead, but they don’t even help him become the destroyer of worlds they built him up to be in the last movie. All they do is use him to get to the Scorpion King. Yeah, in The Mummy Returns the Mummy isn’t even the focus.

Not only does this make no sense, it also makes Imhotep look like a punk bitch. Remember how imposing and threatening they made him last time? Now he’s second banana to Rock “The Scorpion” Johnson who’s also the main antagonist and focus of the film. 

Speaking of him, what is this story about? Good question, I’ll let you know when I find a story. This movie has less of a story and more of a list of vacation spots. Instead of giving us interesting characters going on a complex and harrowing journey, the film takes us from place to place until finally reaching the Scorpion King’s lair. They don’t even delve into the history of these places or what significance they have in the story, they just pop up and then they’re gone. 

I hate that I’m saying this, but at least it felt like the journey had weight to it in the first one. They actually built up the lost city of Hamunaptra. Even if it wasn’t done well, they at least made an attempt to be a movie. This movie is just: go here, go here, go here, go here, win, over. That’s not a movie, that’s “Chutes and Ladders!” Nothing feels properly established or earned here, it’s just “the sequel.” 

However, is there anything I liked about this movie? Surprisingly, yes. These things: 

Don’t get me wrong, the effects on them look like a demon possessed Microsoft Paint but I’m used to that in these movies. What I like about them is their love of wanton destruction. Kinda like the Mogwai, it’s hard not to love them. They take out some of the cultists in hilarious fashion – 

– a man’s scream apparently scares them – 

– also, this: 

Unfortunately, that’s as fun as this movie gets, because now we have to have an incredibly stupid climax with incredibly lame effects. 

And then, we get one of the dumbest, most fake looking effects in cinematic history. You’re not ready for this. 

Drum roll, please… 

Sorry, that effect was so bad I went momentarily blind. Can we try that again? 

Yes. 

You just saw that. 

They switched out The Rock, in his cinematic debut, with a CGI scorpion puppet that looks like it probably procreated with the Devil from Spawn to give us Foodfight. 

… 

Humanity was a mistake. 

I promise I won’t show you that again. You’ve suffered enough. We just have to live with the knowledge that the money that could’ve gone to countless starving children across the world instead went to…that. While it’s less painful than witnessing what was probably shat out by one of the robots from Reboot, it by no means makes it painless. 

So, for your sake and mine, let’s wrap this up. 

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I think it’s pretty obvious, but this movie is horrendous. With a script that’s off its meds, characters that are even less developed than the first time around, some of the worst effects in a film I’ve ever seen in my life, and a complete lack of dedication to the art of film-making, how could it not be? What gets me the most is, was this even a film audiences demanded to see? 

People liked the first one enough but knew exactly what it was: pop fluff. Given that reaction, you wouldn’t think this is a film audiences would be clamoring to see. Not only does it follow the Disney live-action remake handbook of squeezing as much money out of something as possible, but both the original and the sequel are the same with minimal changes. They follow the same story beats, add characters that are exactly the same as the old characters who died, and are fundamentally the same: 

Mummy resurrected, hunt him down, send him back to hell. 

I know this isn’t always a bad thing in franchises. Heck, the Indiana Jones franchise worked off a repeatable formula but still managed to keep things entertaining, fresh, and challenging for one sequel. The Mummy Returns, however, has no charm or intrigue to keep people coming back to it. 

Without a doubt, you’d be much better off leaving this mountain of mummy wrappings in its sarcophagus where it belongs. 

When it comes to ratings, this movie is a solid 0.5/5 Rocks. I knew this movie was going to be low, but I didn’t know how low until I remembered just how dirty they did The Rock. This was supposed to be his epic cinematic intro, but they turned him into a frowny-faced puppet both in live-action and CG animation. Since then he’s become a household name and a widely beloved icon in film, but talk about a Rock-y start. That aside, this movie is still a pointless, unoriginal, and painful waste of time. 

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post) 

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me) 

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them) 

(Yet)