Disclaimer:

The film I’m reviewing this week is rated: PG-13

While this isn’t a movie I’d recommend to anyone of any age, I still have standards.

To start off, thank you for sticking with me. It was a rough transition, but here we are on a new platform. I hope it will be a better place for our community moving ahead. At the very least, it’ll definitely be an improvement on my wallet. Regardless, I’m now officially prepared for another year of reviews and I hope you’re just as excited as I am. For this film, “excited” is a strong word.

So, this is a thing. Despite my complaints about the last film, it was still a Box Office darling. Which was apparently enough for Universal to say, “Hey, why not one more?” Enter The Scorpion King. The film poses a zen riddle: If you watch a movie but don’t remember it, does it exist?

Yeah, this film cares so little about anything that you forget the film as soon as you watch it. While I have seen this movie once before, I don’t remember a single thing about it. Even with giving The Rock an expanded role, he in no way makes this film more tolerable.

That’s one thing The Rock’s movie career has proven. If he appears in a weak role (which is most of the time) you at least remember seeing him. You’ve got to be doing something wrong if you can’t make The Rock memorable.

Anyway, let me stop stalling. Let’s do whatever it is this movie does and take a look at The Scorpion King.

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This is a series that takes place in Egypt, so why the hell are there snow-covered mountains? Well, the film starts with a random action sequence that doesn’t have any bearing on the story. Here we’re introduced to whoever this guy is:

Then, of course, there’s the man himself.

Since character is as important to this series as a pebble is to a river, these people have no personality. I don’t even want to call them “people.” That would imply that there’s something more to them than just being pawns in the director’s story. You can tell by the way The Rock’s brother dies in the first 15 minutes.

What’s funny is that The Rock saves him only to get recaptured and killed in less than 10 minutes.

So, what’s the story in this one? After seeing this film a couple times for this review, I still don’t know. There’s this bad king person guy called

Whatever, I’m just gonna call him “Gengar,” ’cause why not? There’s also this sorceress lady.

Her only reason to exist is to look pretty and get saved. Basically Evelyn from the first two films, but somehow with even less personality.

Also, there’s this moment:

Last, there’s our unfunny comic relief.

If you actually pay attention while watching, you’ll notice that things just…happen. There’s technically a story, but every scene just feels “there.”

There’s this random clan of people with a leader and his son –

– who betrays him 7 minutes later.

There’s this fire ant escape scene because “comic relief” has to join the team.

Gengar continues to “evil evil” across the land while evil-ing all over the sorceress.

Also, the sorceress predicts that Gengar will kill The Rock.

I’ll tell you why—because there’s no investment in this movie at all. So many things, including the story, characters, tone, setting, and motivations, aren’t properly set up. As a result, there’s no reason for us to care about anything that happens in the film. It’s literally just background noise. All this movie did was pick a time period to tell a story and let the clichés write the rest.

If you want your audience to care about your characters, as the creator, you have to care about them first. That’s also what makes talking about this movie pretty boring. I have fun digging into it like anyone else, but after a while it just becomes tiring. With that said, let’s wrap this up.

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I know this review is short, but what else can I say about this movie? The sad part is that there is a good way to not care what your audience thinks. The Sword in the Stone also “just exists,” but there was more to it than what’s on the surface. There was charming humor, complex morals, likable characters, and a unique take on a classic story. The Scorpion King, as you’d correctly guess, has none of those things.

Instead of having likable characters, it has cardboard cutouts. The only story this movie is telling is “Gengar is bad and The Rock is good.” If there’s a moral it’s a reminder for the actors to pick their movies better. You get the point. Despite all that, the most egregious thing about this movie is how it panders to the mainstream. In its attempts to reach the widest audience possible, it managed to reach no audience.

Say what you will about The Mummy (1999) and even The Mummy Returns, you at least remember them. I know I do. Like I said in my Pirates reviews: it’s better to be a bonkers disaster than a safe bland bore. At the very least, the bonkers disaster took risks and did its own thing. Meanwhile, the safe bland bore fades into the background and just becomes another movie. That’s exactly what The Scorpion King is.

Sure it’s more “competently made,” but I’d much rather watch The Mummy (1999) or even The Mummy Returns.

The Scorpion King is a solid 1/5 scorpions. It has fewer lame effects, fewer pointless characters, and fewer dumb moments than its predecessors, but that’s it. While it’s a better cinematic debut for our beloved Rock, it’s still unbelievably stale, tired, and boring. I already forgot what I’m reviewing. Where am I?

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Yet)