Disclaimer: (Refer to disclaimer from The Lost World)

Y’all know the drill: PG-13.

While Fallen Kingdom was almost laughably bad, Dominion…insults me. Clearly this franchise stopped aspiring to be good on any metric long ago. Although, this movie proved how they were lying to their fans the whole time. For years, they’ve mentioned how they had plans to make a film with dinosaurs wrecking the human world. Dominion was supposed to be that movie. But was it? I’m sure you know the answer.

Sure, there were brief moments of it, but we wanted a movie purely about dinosaurs tearing humanity a new asshole. The studio waved that idea in our faces like toy keys to a baby, but never fully delivered. In the process, Dominion was the worst insult since Lost World because it’s just another Jurassic Park sequel. By now, you know that the worst thing these movies can be is “just another Jurassic Park sequel.”

If your franchise is big enough to have six movies (and a seventh in theaters), you should know better. However, the biggest lesson we can learn in life is that money is everything. So long as people keep watching these, why should the studios care if they’re any good? They got their money and the last laugh. We, the audience, are the punchline. If you still like these movies, more power to you, but I can’t be bothered anymore.

Heck, I couldn’t be bothered since the second one!

Regardless, I have a job that I arbitrarily gave myself. I’m going to therapy after this, but for now, let’s look at Jurassic World: Dominion.

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The first thing you’re going to want to do is grab your eyelash curler and make those lashes pop. I’ve been saying this for years, you gotta be curling your lashes to enhance your natural beauty. Heck, just look at mine!

This also puts us in prime position to continue with our mascara –

…

What? Oh, you thought there was going to be a review? Shows what you know. This is actually a makeup tutorial. Did I disappoint you by delivering the exact opposite of what I said I would give you? Then you’re in the right place.

Guess what: Dominion‘s main threat is bugs.

Seriously, guys.

DINOSAURS.

That’s all we wanted in this dinosaur movie.

Are they prehistoric bugs? Technically yes, but it just doesn’t hit the same as this:

You know, if this is where it’s going, why not have the writers of Left Behind hijack the script? It would probably come across like God’s Not Dead: The Unwritten Bible, but it’d be something. You could say that God has incited The Rapture since humanity has lost faith and prehistory is re-conquering the planet. Repent, sinners, or be devoured by the original plagues! Wow, I’m getting into this more than I would’ve expected.

But nope, our big bad is now –

Wait…Dodgson…do I recognize that name?

What is this franchise’s deal with making villains out of random people? It’s not a great sign when you have to say “Remember? That guy?” Dodgson’s inclusion as this film’s villain is actually lazier than you’d think. He barely had any screen time in Jurassic Park but was the villain in Michael Crichton’s sequel “The Lost World.” If they used him in Lost World that could’ve actually worked.

It would’ve been believable given his partnership with Nedry to steal viable dino embryos in Jurassic Park. We also would’ve seen him recently so we wouldn’t have to struggle to remember him for Lost World. 5 movies later, though? Yeah, not so much. Speaking of desperate villains, how’s Dr. Wu doing?

Since this movie was released in 2022, it’s also trying to cash in on the viewers’ nostalgia. Studios have done this for a while, but the late 2010’s and early 2020’s loved bringing back the original cast. With that said, here’s the original cast:

Also, who could forget everyone’s favorite haircut: Haircut!

Not that his previous performances were coherent, but I swear he’s on a completely different planet this time. They were going to give Grant a speech earlier but changed their minds, so Haircut gets one instead. It should’ve been Grant, ’cause listen to this:

Not to mention the money shot of the old cast meeting up with the new cast:

However, you might notice one particular cast member in that shot.

I want to be clear, I don’t mean to attack Maisie’s actress (Isabella Sermon) in any way. In fact, I’d say she still has great talent as an actress. The biggest issue with Maisie is how she’s written. If you recall from Fallen Kingdom, Maisie was responsible for releasing the dinosaurs into the human world. Does she feel any remorse for that? Nope. She’s a teenager now and all she cares about is “Nobody lets me go outside!” BITCH!

For the love of everything that’s holy, why are you trying to make us hate her?! This conversation wouldn’t be out of place between any teenage child and guardian in a movie, but that’s the problem. It’s every other child/guardian argument with no discipline for the individual experiences these two characters have been through. That, and remember how Maisie doomed mankind? And she has the OVARIES to complain?! SUCK IT UP!