Disclaimer:

The movie we’re reviewing today is rated: PG-13

Like its predecessor, it contains sexual references and harsh language at times.

Again, I don’t think that’s enough to warrant a PG-13 but I don’t work for the MPAA.

Moving on, we’re now halfway through our journey with the Ocean’s series. At least we will be once this review is finished. After the success of Ocean’s Eleven (2001), Hollywood instantly began production on a sequel to get this money train rolling. To increase the public’s confidence in the film, they even brought back the original cast and crew. So, how did it turn out? In my opinion, it can be summed up in the acronym SSDD. If you know, you know.

There were good elements in it which carried over from both Ocean’s 11 and Ocean’s Eleven. Although, it didn’t seem to be different enough or challenging enough to warrant its existence. As a fan of heists in movies, I of course will always love that aspect of these films. To that same end, if they’re all essentially the same, why wouldn’t I just watch the originals? That’s the biggest hurdle this movie has to clear: upping what was already upped.

Since there was a large leap from Ocean’s 11 to Ocean’s Eleven, everyone expected great things from this sequel. Needless to say, both critics and audiences were pretty mixed on this film. Even to this day, folks aren’t sure exactly what to make of it. Was it the right content at the wrong time, or were there specks of brilliance in a sea of rushed writing? It’s been a minute since I’ve seen it, but since I chose this life we’re gonna take a look.

Let’s see what happens when you start a flimsy franchise off a runaway hit with Ocean’s Twelve.

Important Note:

This week I received a life-altering medical procedure, so this review is a bit shorter than most others. Just so you’re aware, I’m okay. I’m not sick, injured, and do not have any physical disorder. I’m just transgender. I’m very happy with how it turned out and feel much more comfortable as a result. However, I need to dedicate time to rest and recuperation during this time. Thank you for your understanding. Keep watching movies and enjoying life like I know y’all do. I’ll always be here. 🙂

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I know it’s unfair to focus on similarities and differences, but that’s where I’d like to start. I promise it won’t be the only thing in this review and I won’t be on it for too long. The only reason I want to start here is because I want to discuss the “Sequel Red Flags.” Everyone has their own set of criteria that tells them a sequel is gonna suck, so here’s mine. Number One: reminding the audience the first one existed within the first 10 minutes.

It doesn’t even come up organically, the script just randomly says “You liked the last one, right?” Don’t get me wrong, building off old ideas and expanding them is what we should aim for. Although, that brings me to Number Two: redoing what the first one did. While Ocean’s Eleven expanded everything from Ocean’s 11, Ocean’s Twelve is way too comfortable doing the same thing over again.

The main difference is that Danny (played again by George Clooney) isn’t the one to assemble the squad. It’s actually Terry Benedict (played again by Andy Garcia) who tracks everyone down so he can get his money back.

Sure it’s technically different, but it’s fundamentally the same. Also, it makes Danny and his team look more like amateurs. They’re supposed to be professionals at grand larceny, yet they were tracked down by overstuffed Donald Trump Jr. It takes him a few years, but it’s still pretty embarrassing. If they’re professionals, shouldn’t they have a guy like “The Disappearer” from Breaking Bad close at hand? However, this movie at least gets started quickly.

Out of principle, I have to hand it to them. This sequence is one of the first things we see and it takes 10 minutes max. If nothing else, they know how to cut to the chase. Except they don’t. Why? Because it still takes an hour to get to the point! Things are set up quick, but things don’t start moving until halfway through. How did you do that?! Well, because of Number Three: filler.

A huge focus here is on “Ocean’s Eleven” getting back the money they stole to pay off Benedict. To do this, they set themselves up on multiple European heists to make up the difference. What sucks is that many of these heists on their own would’ve made a good focus for the movie. The movie doesn’t seem to think so, because none of them go anywhere. Therefore, you can cut the first hour of this movie and miss nothing.

To add to the “tension,” they throw in a new antagonist called “The Night Fox.” He’s a French master thief named François Toulour (played by Vincent Cassel). Wait, isn’t Terry Benedict already the antagonist? Why do we need another one? Not only does this add to my Number Two, but it also highlights my Number Four: adding dead weight characters. Not only is The Night Fox completely unneeded, but he isn’t as interesting an antagonist as Terry.

There’s a bit of charm to him, but that could just be Cassel’s performance. Night Fox isn’t pompously hatable, a hotheaded control-freak, or deviously conniving. He’s just…”there.” The only reason he’s here is to boost the Eleven’s credibility after being stripped away by laminated David Hasselhoff. He makes a bet with them and if they win they get the money to pay Benedict.

But, they’re stealing a priceless Fabergé Egg. Why not just cut out the middle man, steal the egg, and use that to pay him off? Well, that’s my Number Five: being needlessly complicated. You’ve seen me complain about this many times with the Pirates and Mummy sequels. While it’s not my biggest pet peeve in bad movies, it painfully highlights how they’re a waste of time. Also, who’s this guy?

As a part of the plan, they also rope Tess into it (played again by Julia Roberts). Which, considering the effort Danny went to in the last one to get Tess back, was it worth it? They seem more bitter together than they were apart. That’s genuinely impressive.

There we have Number Seven: back to square one. While this isn’t Ghostbusters 2 caliber relationship crap, it’s getting there. For some reason, bad sequels think that regressing is what audiences crave and will help recapture the magic. No, what we want is the story, characters, and situations to evolve. If someone doesn’t like change, they’d just watch the first one on repeat. Either that or become an internet shut-in, but that’s beside the point.

Movies are meant to disrupt the natural flow of life by giving us a unique look at someone else’s. They’re supposed to be challenging, unconventional, and memorable, (like all art) and this movie is none of those things. However, let’s go over my biggest “Sequel Red Flag.” Number Eight: pretending the series has always been building to this moment. I absolutely despise when sequels do this, and there’s plenty of it here.

Take, for example, the “One Month Ago” scene from earlier –

The movie tries to prove how The Night Fox was involved in this series from the beginning. No he wasn’t. You wanna know how I know? Because this scene wasn’t in the last one! There was no mention of the European Thieves’ Guild and certainly not a master bandit like Night Fox. In fact, it gets better. Apparently Night Fox has a mentor named LeMarque who’s connected to an International Thieves’ Guild which is connected to Danny.

WHAT?!

The lesser Indiana Jones sequels were notorious for doing this crap. Instead of developing characters we know, recognize, and enjoy, they act like this random person was part of the story from day one.

No.

Shut up.

If you’re not able to take this material to the next level, then maybe there shouldn’t be a sequel. With that said, was Ocean’s Twelve a sequel that the general public demanded to exist?

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Sure, Ocean’s Eleven wasn’t something movie-goers expected to get either. Although, by breathing new life into the source material, it became a movie people didn’t know they wanted. Surprisingly, by giving a unique take on a classic idea, people got much more invested. I can’t deny that Ocean’s Twelve does still have heist elements which I’ve said I’m a sucker for. It would be much better if the movie put more emphasis on them, though.

Since Ocean’s Eleven‘s focus was strictly on the heist, there was never a dull moment. There were some slow parts and dialogue driven scenes, but it added to our investment in the action and characters. Ocean’s Twelve seems to be a heist movie by default. It’s a heist movie strictly because it’s an Ocean movie. There’s far too much pointless filler, unneeded characters, boring comedy, and it amounts to nothing.

The only saving grace in this movie is this: Julia Roberts playing Tess Ocean playing Julia Roberts. It’s just as entertaining as it sounds. There’s another random cameo with Bruce Willis (last seen on this blog being breakable in Glass), but he makes the most of it. Both him and Roberts are frickin’ hilarious. If you can, track down the scene on YouTube. You won’t regret it.

Although, if you came here for the heist of the century, you’re looking in the wrong place. My advice, watch either Ocean’s 11 or Ocean’s Eleven again. That would surprisingly be less of a waste of time than watching Ocean’s Twelve once.

Given my tone throughout this post, I’ve decided Ocean’s Twelve is a 2/5 Fabergé Eggs. I thought about giving it a 2.5, but even the Roberts/Willis combo wasn’t enough to push it over the edge. If you’re a fan of heists, you’ll get it. Eventually. The heist isn’t even satisfying because (like Indiana Jones 5) the goal isn’t properly set up. It’s clearly another franchise trying to milk itself for all its worth. For your time, this is definitely a swing-and-a-miss.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(I just tell people who make them that they should know better)

(…)

(I think I’m starting to understand why I’m not a hit at parties)