Disclaimer:

Like the last two, this movie is rated: PG-13

Again for sexual references and occasional harsh language.

Well, if people didn’t ask for Ocean’s Twelve, they definitely didn’t ask for Ocean’s Thirteen. I’ve seen this once before, but I’mma be real with you: I don’t remember a single thing from it. The only thing that comes to mind is something about diamonds, helicopters, and…that’s about it. Ocean’s Twelve was forgettable, but Ocean’s Thirteen seems to have found new fascinating ways to explore forgettable. It’s like Now You See Me 2.

Admit it. You forgot there was a Now You See Me 1!

I want to be as thorough as possible before diving in, but I’m legit at a loss right now. Even if people weren’t asking for it, Ocean’s Twelve still made money. Well, here’s your table-scrap sequel. At this point, audiences were starting to catch on to the repetition and the franchise fell off. Only after eleven years did they decide to reboot it (again) with Ocean’s 8. That bodes so well for the journey we’re about to embark upon.

Are you ready? I’m not. Then again, this is the life I’ve chosen. If you want to click off this post and do something else, I don’t blame you. I’ll be here.

For the rest of us, let’s see how Danny cooked up this brilliant plan to rob us of our time in Ocean’s Thirteen.

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Yeah, the movie starts out more promising than Ocean’s Twelve, but it instantly throws it away for something lamer. Apparently, Reuben (played a third time by Elliott Gould) had a heart attack. This is what the movie’s about: Reuben.

I’m not saying I hated Reuben or that he was my least favorite character. All I’m saying is…why him? Was he always the glue that held this squad together? Really? Reuben?! Out of all the people on the team, he’s the one that has the least potential for a standalone film. Ever since he was introduced he was always the guy who’s just “there.”

Not that he doesn’t do anything, his role is just on the sidelines. He’s the one who finances each of the jobs “The Eleven” has pulled off. But, that’s about it. He never had much personality besides being an excuse for an f-bomb. The rest of the team has practically no chemistry with him then suddenly he’s the most important one. Also, I just realized: ever since Ocean’s Eleven, I feel like I know less about these people. That’s not good.

I’m not gonna act like Ocean’s Eleven wrote all of them super complex and interesting. Because, let’s be real, that wasn’t the case. Although, why it worked in that movie is because it didn’t kid itself as to what it was. Right from the get-go it knew that it was a “Heist Movie,” so they wasted no time. Everyone was introduced in quick succession based on the role they were supposed to play in the job.

In fact, some of the characters didn’t know each other prior to the Bellagio/Mirage/MGM Grand job. They were brought together because each of them had a skill to exploit Benedict’s weaknesses. Not all of them had chemistry in that movie either, but what made it fun was watching them work. They were so good at what they did, determined in their goal, and had distinct (enough) personalities.

Crucially, in Ocean’s Eleven‘s case, they also didn’t know they had a franchise. They had to try harder to stand out and hook audiences quickly. Here, they’re just doing the third one.

This is Willy Bank (played by Al Pacino). Subtle name, I know. Some audiences may find this shocking, but he’s the antagonist.

That’s probably the least interesting aspect of these Ocean’s sequels: the antagonists. They half-heartedly bring back Benedict (played over and over by Andy Garcia) and make a clone of him for The Eleven to go up against. The antagonists are always just uppity rich jerkoffs who get blander and blander. In the case of Willy Bank, he’s so forgettable you could literally call him “Al Pacino” and nobody would care. Heck, I’d probably remember him more!

There’s no point in getting into his character, because I’m pretty sure they got it from 500 after-school specials. Want to know something even more disappointing? The Night Fox is back.

If The Night Fox (played again by Vincent Cassel) was a wasted script page in Ocean’s Twelve, strap in. Or rather, don’t. Not only is he barely in this, he essentially does nothing. Benedict hires him to steal Bank’s diamonds from The Eleven during their heist. The Eleven dupes him by doing a switcheroo. That’s it. No more Night Fox. I’m so glad you took the time to remind us Ocean’s Twelve existed. Actually, no I’m not. Gimme your hand, movie.