Disclaimer: (Refer to disclaimer from The Lost World)

TL;DR: PG-13

Why not keep this disappointing train rolling? By this point, I’m pretty sure the filmmakers knew what they were doing. In the sense that: Dinosaurs = Box Office Receipts. If that’s the case, why not just throw whatever crap you want into a movie and call it entertainment? Who cares, ’cause it seems we’ll keep watching it so long as dinosaurs are involved.

To some degree, I do respect Jurassic Park III. In what way, you may ask? It’s short. At least this movie isn’t trying to fool you into thinking there’s something deeper beneath the surface. Like I mentioned in the Lost World review, that’s pretty much what that movie was for. Jurassic Park III on the other hand embraces its pointlessness. It gets in, gets out, and leaves little to no impression on you.

At only an hour-and-a-half runtime, Jurassic Park III is great at that. Definitely one of those movies you’d watch on a plane for 10 minutes before falling asleep. I’m here to ask the question: is that it’s own type of good? Also, does that make it better or worse than the last one? When you find yourself picking between the lesser of two evils, one of two things is happening. You’re watching a franchise that went south or voting in American politics.

Since this is a movie blog, let’s stick with the movies. For our sins, this is Jurassic Park III.

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Where are we now?

Characters who’ll obviously die

The “Inciting Incident”

Cold open for suspense-building purposes

Dr. Alan Grant

Well, we ruined Jeff Goldblum’s reputation in the last one, why not throw Dr. Grant back in there? Here we’re focusing on Alan (played again by Sam Neill) who’s hanging out with Ellie (played again by Laura Dern). Also, she got married to someone else.

Okay, when this movie first came out there were several fans who hated this. Honestly, it doesn’t bother me. The dynamic Ellie and Alan had in the first movie was more platonic than romantic. While they did share this moment as the movie closed out:

there’s more that can be interpreted from it than just romance. Alan and Ellie had conversations in Jurassic Park about Alan’s attitude toward kids multiple times. As an avid hater of children, Alan often tried to avoid them at every turn. By this point in the movie though, he’s grown close to Lex and Tim due to what they survived together. Also, Alan and Ellie could be smiling at each other just because they’re finally safe.

Basically, if your main issue with a dinosaur movie is the romance, then you’re in the wrong place. Also, there’s plenty more to hate in this movie besides that. Let’s not get distracted. Where was I?

Oh, but did you think we finally had competent leads in this movie? Nah. Let me introduce you to the Kirbys: Paul (played by William H. Macy) and Amanda (played by Téa Leoni). You’ll wish I didn’t.

These two are fundamentally the same character, but let me give you some background. Paul pretends to be a rich tycoon to trick Alan into going to Isla Sequel to look for his son. Yes, that was their son in the opening.

But wait, it gets better. You still haven’t met Amanda! What’s she like, you might ask?

Yes, these people still think that it’s perfectly fine to scream at the top of their lungs. While they’re actively being hunted by killer dinosaurs. If she’s always like this I can see why Paul divorced her. So, we’re marching through the jungle again, but now we’re doing it with a less charismatic Jamie Lee Curtis. Who’s this kid they’re trying to find anyway?

You thought I was joking before? No, this kid was legit a Navy Seal in a past life. I’m all for strong kids in movies, but tell me this doesn’t stretch your suspension of disbelief the tiniest bit.

Okay, so those are our charact –

Yeah, this is Billy (played by Alessandro Nivola). He’s Dr. Grant’s new paleo-sidekick who also managed to recreate a velociraptor’s resonating chamber. Wait, what?

So, those are the people. How’re the dinosaurs? At times they can be good-looking.

But other times…*sigh* other times…

WHAT IN THE HELL??!!

Where are its eyes?! That’s not just bad effects, that’s one of the scariest dinosaurs I’ve seen in this franchise. That’s scarier than the dinosaurs that are supposed to be scary. Speaking of which, where are they?

You’re telling me this random carnivore walked up to our protags, stared blankly at them, and walked away? Do you even dinosaur movie? Maybe, maybe not. After all, the star of this movie isn’t the T-Rex. Firstly, since this is Isla Sequel, the original Rexy isn’t here. Instead we have the spinosaurus!

To be honest, I don’t mind this change. The spinosaurus is pretty cool and I like seeing a wider variety of dinosaurs in these movies. Considering this is a completely different island as well, why not explore different dino species? What I don’t like is the movie’s attempt to dethrone the T-Rex.

NO!

The fact that this movie thinks the spinosaurus will ever be more iconic than the T-Rex is a joke. Did you shatter the cinema with your ear-splitting roar? Did you make the audience fear that you could crash through the screen at any moment? Did you pose for this shot?!

With all that said, the tensest moments in the film are with the spinosaurus. There are raptors on this island as well, but they only kill one person. Yeah, more folks die to the spinosaurus, including a T-Rex like I mentioned (frickin’ bull crap).

That being said, the spinosaurus is also defeated by conveniently flammable water.

Raptors aren’t as big a deal in this movie, but they still managed to create an unforgettable moment. I’m sure a lot of folks already know this, but it’s still worth mentioning. This review would feel naked without it.

Right, because we all know that if raptors could talk, the first thing they’d say is

Besides all that, what’s the best way to sum up this movie? Well, I’ll do my best.

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Without a doubt, this film is very much in the mold of The Lost World. To some degree, I didn’t want to write reviews for this movie or the last one. Part of why these past reviews were so short is because I feel like a broken record. These movies just repeat the same formula to squeeze as much money out of this franchise as possible. In fact, many of my criticisms for Jurassic Park III are similar to my criticisms of The Lost World.

That’s not me being repetitive, that’s this franchise being bland and predictable. It’s to the point where there’s practically no difference between these movies. However, there are some things that help Jurassic Park III stand out. Unlike its predecessor, it can be oddly endearing in its mistakes. In The Lost World, the film dragged on while hardly giving us anything new. Jurassic Park III on the other hand has a more distinct B-movie vibe to it.

That along with the fact this is the shortest movie can kinda make it a “So Bad it’s Good” film. If you’re of the right mindset before watching, it’s possible you’ll enjoy it. Heck, I even found myself having more fun with this film than the last one. Is it better than the original? Not by a long shot, but it’s some dumb fun. If for no other reason than to riff on it while you watch. There are certainly better movies to watch, but there are worse movies too.

With all that said, I think this movie is a 1.5/5 “Alans.” Wait, I rated The Lost World higher than this. What’s the deal? Overall, I think The Lost World is a more competently made film. It retained the tone of Jurassic Park better and at least tried (failed, but tried) to have a deeper meaning. Jurassic Park III clearly knew what it was from the start. Because of that, I’d personally prefer to watch this movie over The Lost World. At least it’s not kidding us what it is.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(Heck, I’m not takin’ the fall for this one)