Disclaimer: (Refer to disclaimer from The Lost World)

Basically, this is PG-13.

Let’s take a deep breath. We’ve come a long way from Jurassic Park, but now it seems like we’re heading in a different direction. At the time this movie came out, I respected that. It seemed like filmmakers were acknowledging the mistakes this franchise had made in the past and working to correct them. Starting fresh with a new park, new characters and new plot, could you blame me? From what I could tell, Hollywood was trying again with this franchise.

Unfortunately, I was very wrong about that. Just goes to show that you don’t put faith in movie executives.

While not the worst Jurassic Park movie ever made, it certainly wasn’t a good one either. The plot points got even dumber, the symbolism even more heavy-handed, and the CG mediocre at best. Remember two paragraphs ago when I said we’ve come a long way from Jurassic Park? Well, the generic 2010’s CG effects are a big part of that. From the original movie that inspired many with its outstanding visuals to another modern film riding Jurassic Park‘s coattails.

The worst part is that it’s a Jurassic Park movie! Of all the filmmakers in Hollywood, you would hope those making this movie would spring for top-notch effects. Apparently not, though. O, how the mighty have fallen. So, how bad does it get? Y’all know what we gotta do.

Let’s take a look at the “Roller-Coaster Tycoon” nightmare that is Jurassic World.

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Despite my initial criticisms, I’d like to start with something I genuinely liked about this movie. Wait, I actually liked something in this movie? Surprisingly, yes. Although, it might not be what you’re thinking. My absolute favorite thing in this movie is the park itself.

As you can probably tell, just looking at this place is bringing out the kid in me. Just don’t show me the Mosasaur Pool.

If this place was real, I would have a season pass booked every year for the rest of my life. I don’t imagine myself ever getting tired of something like this. You know the best part? We’re finally back on Isla Nublar! Yay, it’s almost like we’re trying to be a real franchise now! Emphasis on almost. Despite the fact that I love every part of this place, it seems the guests don’t agree with me. Wait, really?

This place is like a childhood dream come true and you’re telling me people are bored of it? Imagine if this place really did exist: you could either see a giant fake mouse mascot or a living dinosaur. I know where I’m spending my money! Also, what was just said totally contradicts what’s being shown. When you look around at the people in the background, they’re having the time of their lives.

Also, if people truly don’t care about dinosaurs anymore, the f@$# is wrong with them? These animals went extinct 65 million years ago and were brought back to life. You ungrateful bastards! Surprisingly, this detail is not the main point of the movie. Because people “don’t care about dinosaurs,” (*cough* bullshit *cough*) these idiots get the bright idea to make one from scratch. Bigger, badder, stronger, deadlier, scarier, and the reason this movie exists.

Unfortunately, brain cells are hard to come by around here. By the order of the park CEO Mr. Masrani (played by Irrfan Khan), the Indominus Rex is created. Well, if you’re making a dinosaur specifically to look cool I guess I’ll bite. What’s it look like?

Okay, so that’s our set-up. People are bored, make evil dinosaur, park gets destroyed. That’s pretty much the plot. What’s even more infuriating are our main characters. You thought they were out of ideas before, but now you know for sure. First up, there’s Claire (played by Bryce Dallas Howard). She’s the park manager and just as stupid as all the previous idiots in these movies. Maybe even more so.

While Mr. Masrani is often the one making poor decisions (first and foremost: flying himself into certain death) –

Claire, as the park manager, is the one who takes orders from him. Yes, the multi-billionaire who only cares about making money. I shouldn’t have to explain to you why that’s a bad idea, Claire. It goes back to the old saying: who’s more foolish, the fool or the fool that follows them? Personally, the latter (i.e. Claire). She blindly follows orders to create the Indominus only to skimp on safety features in classic Hammond fashion.

When they bring in an expert, Owen Grady (played by Chris Pratt), she doesn’t even listen to him.

Since she doesn’t know what it is, she loses it and blindly sends people into the paddock to look.

But that’s not all. On top of all this, she leaves her nephews in the hands of the most apathetic babysitter imaginable.

Also these kids are the most frustrating in the entire franchise. Remember in Jurassic Park III when Eric survived on Isla Sequel for 8 weeks by himself? Or in The Lost World when Kelly defeated a raptor with gymnastics and a “Hey, you?” Or when Lex and Tim…Lex and Tim’d? Tell me how Zach and Gray (played by Nick Robinson and Ty Simpkins) evaded the Indominus by themselves.

Then again, why does every kid in these movies have some convenient skill to get them out of dangerous situations? Lex was a hacker, Kelly was a gymnast, Eric was a former Navy Seal, and Zach/Gray are auto mechanics.

I will admit though, after terror breaks out the movie can be kinda fun. Just take a look at these Pterasaurs tearing up crowds of people.

Well, ask and you shall receive, I guess. Right when this starts feeling stale, we suddenly see babysitter Zara (played by Katie McGrath) get her…comeuppance?

Hold up a minute, though. Do I smell an obvious bad guy?

Who’s this asshole? Why, it’s Vic Hoskins (played by Vincent D’Onofrio [last seen on this blog pulling the trigger in Full Metal Jacket])! First of all, are the obvious bad guys always going to be played by actors from Full Metal Jacket? Is the next one gonna be played by Matthew Modine? Adam Baldwin? The ghost of R. Lee Ermey? Second, what does he add to the movie? I’ll tell you: nothing. The movie thought it needed an antagonist, so there you go.

Funny thing is, this movie didn’t need an antagonist. That’s more or less the nature of the Jurassic Park films. In the first movie, the clearest “bad guy” so-to-speak was John Hammond himself. Although, even he had enough conscience and self-reflection to recognize what he did wrong at the end of the movie. In fact, the best antagonists in these movies end up realizing the error of their ways.

Also, with characters like Mr. Masrani already set up as Hammond’s successor, a lot more could be explored there. He would make a much better so-called “bad guy” given the details we have. But for some reason we have to throw in this subplot about raptors being used as weapons because…commentary?

The message the original film had was handled well and cleverly portrayed. The limits that science is willing to go to, as well as human ego, is clearly not worth the risk. By now we should know that we don’t understand nature, so stop acting like we do. It seems like these writers still feel the need to focus on the least creative aspects of this concept. Just you wait, though. As it turns out, Hoskins wasn’t the big bad of this movie. Guess who is.

OH MY GOD, IT’S –

Wait, who’s that?

DR. HENRY WU!

Wait, who’s that?

He made the strongest killing machine, didn’t tell anyone what it was, and wants to take credit for it. Monetary credit. Oh, now he’s a bastard. I was fine with the illegal DNA splicing to create an unstoppable monster, but I draw the line when you get paid. Is there any more dumb we can inject into this movie?

Let it be known, though, that this movie has a twist.

As it turns out, the Indominus is part raptor, so this whole raptor-hunting plan crashes and burns. Wait, did nobody know the Indominus was part raptor? None of these highly skilled scientists, dinosaur specialists, and dinosaur park managers figured that out?

LOOK AT IT!!!!!!!!

I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS!!!

But, you know what? It’s okay. Well, it’s not okay, at all, but there is one final saving grace in the film. It comes down to our protagonists once again, but to save their lives, Claire hatches a plan.

Since this is Isla Nublar, we can also confirm that this is the original Rexy. I have to give this movie props for treating Rexy like the absolute queen that she is. She has a proper entrance, a great callback with the flare, and she messes shit up! While I can’t portray this final fight between the Indominus, raptors, and Rexy accurately: trust me, it’s awesome. However, I will give you some highlights.

With that said, that’s essentially all there is to it. Despite being a reboot/sequel, there’s still a lot of material this movie couldn’t help but return to. In some ways it worked out, but it absolutely bombed in too many more.

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After all that, this is still, without a doubt, a Jurassic Park movie. For better and for worse. Mostly for the worse, though. Despite those couple of aspects I genuinely enjoyed, this was mostly a bad egg from start to finish. When you bring back dumbass humans, pointlessly drawn out commentary, and abysmal writing I can’t call it good. However, I can’t deny I did have fun in some places.

Like I mentioned before, I really enjoyed the look of the park and the final dino fight. Do those aspects make it worth a watch? I suppose it depends on what you’re watching this movie for. If you’re looking for something that lives up to the original in quality, this is definitely not it. If you just want to see cool dinosaurs, they’re there you just have to wait a while. If you just want something playing in the background, Jurassic World is great for that.

This isn’t even mentioning one of the biggest details: the CG effects. I unfortunately didn’t talk about it in the review itself. You may have noticed in some images how the dinosaurs can look superimposed. This is because of the inaccurate lighting that’s placed on them. In Jurassic Park, they clearly took time to map out how light would reflect off the dinosaurs. Here, so long as they’re animated fluidly, who cares if they look like they’re really there?

Yes, dinosaurs are cool, but you can’t keep throwing them on-screen without any rewrites. I’d like to say we, as the audience, are smarter than this, but there’s 3 more movies to cover. Yay. Maybe these movies are smarter than I give them credit for. Humanity really is a slow learner. Whether a sequel to the last one or a franchise reboot, Jurassic World is one big pile of shit.

I’ll give Jurassic World a 2/5 Rexies. The technology and spectacle clearly came back into play with this film. The production value alone makes it more notable than Jurassic Park III. Much like John Hammond though, this movie should’ve spent less time on spectacle and more time on substance. When you take away the mid-2010’s quality cinema, you’re left with nothing but 20-year-old cutting room table scraps. You never had a movie, that’s the illusion.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(In this case, I’m grateful for that)