Disclaimer: (Refer to disclaimer from The Lost World)

This movie’s rated PG-13.

That’s pretty much it.

Where do I even begin with this one? Honestly, I don’t feel like writing a proper intro. This is one of those movies that’s almost “So Bad it’s Good” because it’s just too dumb to understand. In trying to understand it, I can’t help but laugh. At the same time, it’s another Jurassic Park movie. You tell me what happens. The biggest question, however: is this movie’s ridiculousness enough to make it enjoyable? Well, you be the judge.

Let’s grab some drinks and light up a joint because we’re watching Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.

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I have a request for you, movie: explain your backstory to me like I’m a child.

I will give this movie credit, at least they’re transparent about how little they’re trying. While yes, I took that conversation out of context, it flows about as naturally in context as well. Also, at this point you’re duty bound to call BS on anything else the movie throws at you. Why? Because who’s this Lockwood jackass?

By now, this is easily my biggest pet peeve in popular movie franchises:

• Acting like some random thing you came up with on the fly was part of the story from the beginning.

To me, it’s the clearest sign that writing is not a priority for this movie. When you don’t care about writing, you don’t care about the art form. When you don’t care about the art form, all you care about is money. Considering this is the fifth movie in this franchise proves that too. Once you’ve made it obvious your top priority in film-making is money, you’ve lost all my respect. Because that’s not why we make movies.

The basic form of any story, regardless of the medium (novel, oral, film, etc.), is how it’s written. If you refuse to try and make a good story, you shouldn’t be trusted to tell them. Full stop. That sounds harsh, but that’s honestly what I believe. I’m not as strict on up-and-coming artists because I understand they’re still learning and should be given room to grow. In Hollywood’s case, with its billions of dollars in assets, I think it should know better.

Emphasis on should.

Please, I need some Rexy to even myself out.

Come on, movie. You can’t just cut to Rexy, that’s blasphemy! You have to build up the tension of her arrival through subtle unease and suspense. Jurassic Park did this flawlessly in its most iconic scene, and (I’ll concede) Jurassic World did this pretty well too. Here, her build-up is under 15 seconds and done through lightning flashes like every scary movie ever. Go back to the drawing board and treat your Rexy right!

Wasn’t I saying in the opening that this movie was ridiculously bad, though?

You’re seriously telling me that Rexy, The Rexy, can’t catch up to Larry from Accounting? That is beyond pathetic. Also, just look at how far the power of the T-Rex has fallen over the franchise:

Did you need proof that he’s a throw-away character? Take a look at this:

Also, is it just me or is the Mosasaurus turning into this franchise’s biggest troll dinosaur? We saw how she took out the Indominus in the last one:

Honestly, a not insignificant part of me wants to just sit here and nitpick this movie to death. Heck, it’d certainly be a lot of fun. That’s mostly why I say this movie is “So Bad it’s Good.” It’s one of those films you can watch while taking the piss out of it at every opportunity. While that is something I enjoy doing, I’m sure y’all would appreciate a bit more structure in a full-fledged review. With that said, there are some things in the film I’d like to focus on:

1. How the dinosaurs have come to match the human characters in intellect. (Not in a good way)
2. The annoyingly confused message which makes me want to shove my head through a wall.
3. One of the dumbest plot twists I’ve ever seen in anything.

So, let’s get on with it.

First up: the dinosaurs themselves. You’d think they’d be the best part of the movie since they’re usually the best part of these movies. Well…

Oh, but it gets better, y’all. What I’ve shown you so far has only been the beginning. You still haven’t seen this movie’s biggest, baddest dino.

Sidenote: it’s not great that I had to use that .gif two reviews in a row.

Not only is the justification behind her creation inconceivably dumb, but she herself is this movie’s biggest embarrassment. Sure, she was created specifically to be a killer animal, but she absolutely SUCKS at it. Apparently she can be controlled using a laser targeting system and a sonic pulse.

In some respects she can look clever, like when she pretends to be asleep after being hit with tranquilizers.

But it’s completely ruined when it’s followed by this:

And it doesn’t stop there. She’s fine at catching prey that’s trapped and right in front of her.

But put a main character in front of her and you may as well change her name to Clumsy Smurf. She manages to use her “heightened sense of smell” to completely miss the people sitting right below her.

When she does spot them, she bumbles around like Mr. Bean on Ambien.

She’s constantly breaking things making it more difficult for herself.

When this happens, Owen and Claire (played again by Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard) get trapped. Although, the obligatory child character, Maisie (played by Isabella Sermon), takes that time to escape. What’s the logical conclusion? Chase after the Happy Meal when there’s two Big Macs trapped right in front of you!

And when she finally has a proper chase, she runs into literally everything.

And they still try to make it a big deal when she makes her way onto the mansion roof.

You know what, I’m sick of her. Blue, could you –

Dinosaurs aside, there’s still this movie’s awful writing. While I’ve touched on it already, I haven’t managed to go over my biggest complaint with it. This Jurassic Park movie wants to “mean something.” It just doesn’t know what it wants to mean. Anything will do. The story centers on the dinosaurs left on Isla Nublar being under threat of re-extinction from the active volcano there. So the debate rages on whether we should save them or let them die.

When I say the debate “rages on,” I mean it raises ideas while not confronting any of them. Classic Hollywood. We have a team of people dedicated to saving dinosaurs including Claire. Yeah, she’s done a complete 180 since the last movie. Would’ve been nice if they showed that transition.

She’s joined by Zia (played by Daniella Pineda) and Franklin (played by Justice Smith). You can pretty much call them “Person A” and “Person B” because who cares at this point.

However, Lockwood (played by James Cromwell) has a different plan. He doesn’t necessarily want to save them, he just wants to send them to an island to live in peace.

Of course, everyone’s favorite character, Haircut (played a third time by “The Wonderful Wizard of Uhs” Jeff Goldblum), returns. Naturally he’s advocating for nature to take its course and letting the dinos burn.

Then there’s the villain, Eli Mills (played by Rafe Spall), who wants to weaponize and sell the dinosaurs. After all: if at first you don’t succeed, shove your half-baked ideas down your audience’s throat. That’s just movie science.

So what does this movie do with all this? Does it start a deep conversation about how humans’ desire to understand shouldn’t interfere with the natural order of things? Does it make us question what we’re doing and apply similar concepts from the movie to our everyday life? Is anything significant discovered in this movie’s runtime? Well…let me tell ya…

None of those questions are answered, they just come and go to make the movie sound complex. However, that doesn’t mean nothing significant is discovered. Remember when I said that this movie has a twist? To understand it I’m gonna need to go into more detail about Maisie.

Let me be honest, I actually don’t have many issues with Maisie as a character. She’s acted well, can be charming, and is one of the more likable kids in this franchise.

But wait, here comes that pesky script. Maisie is Lockwood’s granddaughter whom he cares for after his daughter passed away. Okay. Why does this matter? Listen to this…

That’s the big twist? Maisie’s a clone? Why did you ever think that would be our main takeaway from a movie about dinosaurs? Not to mention –

What does that have to do with anything?!

You brought these characters out of literally nowhere, barely focused on them, and genuinely thought we would care about this? In the FIFTH MOVIE might I add! How much more lazy can you get?! Well, guess what? It gets better. In the end, the dinos are brought to the mansion to be auctioned off. Our heroes stop them, but something goes awry causing toxic gas to flood the dino holding chamber. So…will they die?

You know what? I kinda want to apologize for what I said about the twist in Glass. Somehow, this twist managed to be even dumber. While the twist in Glass was only used to explain the unconventional ending, this is just a blatant plot device. The only reason Maisie is a clone in this movie is so we could have this scene. Yay, nothing complex was explored, and with God as my witness, it’ll stay that way! Screw you, movie!

That and the movie tries to go out of its way to make us feel sympathetic towards Maisie after this. Movie, it ain’t gonna happen.

Yeah, so the dinos are set loose and we’re all about to die. If the movie started from this point, I’d be much more forgiving of it. Although, per the trend set by Lost World, we can’t have a whole movie with dinosaurs in the human world. Why? Because we hate you. This movie sucks.

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Don’t get me wrong, this movie is absolutely terrible. However, if I’m in the right mood for something bat shit insane, this isn’t a bad choice. Believe me, there are several details from the movie I left out because I just couldn’t mention them all. Part of the fun of this film is how relentless it is with throwing transparent crap at you. If you took my advice and watched this film with illicit substances, this movie could be right up your alley.

Unfortunately, if you’re a lover of B-movies, this film could also turn you off in some ways. Since it was released in 2018, it still has the look of a generic modern popcorn flick. Part of the fun of B-movies is the crappy feel of the whole production, and this movie is too polished-looking. To be real, that’s one of the main reasons I feel frustrated with this film more than anything. That and it’s another bearer of the Jurassic Park name.

After starting off strong with a movie that changed cinema to see it turn into… whatever the hell this is…it drives me insane. Why would I want to see some box office fluff crap like this when we have the timeless original? I know I’m asking that and I still have 2 more movies to review, shut up. Although, given the quality of this one, I’m not sure how much worse it can get. I shouldn’t say that, but I’m sticking with my guns on this one. Fallen Kingdom is the worst.

I’m giving Fallen Kingdom a 0.5/5 Raptor smiles. If you’ve read everything up until now, you probably know why I came to this decision. Writing: atrocious. Dinosaurs: stupid. People: annoying. Situations: recycled. That’s about it. Although, if I have to give it props for anything, I will say that the cinematography can occasionally be pretty. That’s also the thing that’s keeping this film from being a proper B-movie, but you be the judge.

(I make no claim of ownership for any of the images used in this post)

(Each of them are owned entirely by their respective copyright holders, which are not me)

(I’m just a humble blogger who talks about movies, I do not make them)

(If I made this one, it’d probably be my last)